June 22, 2014

"Better a red face than a black heart"

"I am a red man. If the Great Spirit had desired me to be a white man he would have made me so in the first place."  ~Sitting Bull

Now that the Washington football team's trademark has been stripped from them, it's time, and past time, for owner Dan Snyder to see the light and change his team's name. He's already into the point of diminishing returns, as the Native Americans (not all, but many) who think the team's name is derogatory are not going to go away. His "traditional" defense is also a cop-out; to put it bluntly, it used to be "traditional" for white people to call Asian-Americans "slants," "japs" and "gooks," Latinos "spics" and "wetbacks," and African-Americans "n-----s."

Those days are gone, and good riddance.

With that in mind, here are a few suggestions for new names. I came up with these off-the-cuff/with a few Duck Duck Go searches in a manner of minutes; don't tell me Mr. Snyder couldn't do the same.

Washington Potato Skins (I originally said "Potato Heads," until I realized that might be interfering with the Mr. Potato Head trademark. Although I imagine they would be open to the possibility of licensing both the name and the likeness to go on the team's helmet, for a hefty enough fee.)

Washington Dragonets (From Thomas Hardy's book "Red Dragon.")

Washington Redwings

Washington Hawks (as in "Red Tailed," to keep with the color scheme)

Washington Crimson Devils

Washington Carmines; Washington Rubicunds (synonyms for "red" from the color wheel)

Washington Clarets, Merlots, Zinfandels and/or Cabernets (as in red wine; this would give the team a somewhat more sophisticated image)

Washington Flamethrowers

Washington Red Hots (This might require licensing from the candy company.)

Washington Tangerines (This is actually a little more orange-ish, according to the color wheel, but "tangerines" is such a lovely word.)

Washington Red Delicious (This might be too complicated, as this seems to have been trademarked by various entities. I'm not a copyright lawyer, however.)

Washington Communists (If you really want to go "traditional.")

Washington Ladybugs (The black-dotted red of the ladybug would also make excellent team colors.)

Washington Redbacks (A poisonous spider native to Australia.)

Washington Poison Darts (A poisonous red frog.)

Washington Ibis (A beautiful red bird.)

Finally, these last two names would obviously run afoul of network television censors, but they would require virtually no creativity, as Snyder would be naming the team after himself.

Washington Dickheads
Washington Dipshits

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